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Showing posts with label Pizza Related. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pizza Related. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Guess who's back in the motherlovin' house with a fat slice for your motherlovin' mouth?!

Sooooo, after massive computer dilemmas, Slice Harvester has been narrowly saved by my girlfriend who perma-lent me her old computer, which runs ten times better than my computer that is like a million computer-years newer. And the keyboard has all the keys and there is music recording software so I can finally finish recording the a cappella techno song "I Want You To Want To Hang Out With Me (Boom Boom)" that I wrote when I was working security at Bonaroo a few years ago whenever I wasn't listening to Born Against and pretending to shoot all the weird college jock-hippies with an imaginary sniper rifle.

I've been freaking out about my lack of internet presence and how un-updated Slice Harvester has been and I just realized that it's only been like, 4 days, which is so not a big deal. In the meantime, I was on a radio show called on . In fact, if you want to listen to my awkward interview, follow that first link and click "listen" for the 6/18 show. It was pretty fun, I basically just talked about a bunch of bullshit for a while, had a great time, and then played some records, a few of which mentioned pizza, but most of which were just rad bands with women I know in them, which was my inadvertent theme of the evening. It was especially gratifying to play on the radio. You can look at the whole playlist . All in all I had a good time on the radio and I just wish that I had brought an airhorn.

The other thing that happened was that a guy sent me some art!

This was, of course, a cleaned up version of the logo I posted a week or two ago. Evan's website, is pretty cool. And while I'm probably gonna stick with my hand drawn logo because, as is apparent time after time on this website, I like shit that sucks, I am totally honored that someone as talented as Evan spent his time creating something for Slice Harvester.

We will return to regular pizza reviewing in the morning. In closing, I would like to leave you with this selection of short films:




And finally, a picture my friend Dan Stein just sent me:


If anyone could get me a tanktop with that screened on it I'll do something totally awesome for you. And one of those shirts with Bugs Bunny and Taz dressed like Kriss Kross would be cool, too.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Blue Rose Deli: "That's a heavy slice of pizza."


What a terrible shithole. I think after last week I am done eating pizza at "pizza delis" even if they are listed as pizzerias in the phone book. They all have the same crappy mall-pizza consistency and literally 100% of them have sucked. They are not pizzerias, flat out. If I don't go to actual Italian pizzerias because they only serve pies and I'm just doing the good old New Yawk Slice, I don't see why I should eat this crap. It's probably a moot point because I'm getting out of the whole office lunch neighborhood, and frankly, I'm surprised it's taken me so long to put my foot down on this one, but it's over. No mas!


Anyway, that slice looks fucking wretched, huh? It maybe you can't even tell the difference in a photograph, but looking at it and remembering eating it is making me shiver. It was heavy and disgusting. And way too thick.


I'm not sure if the awful, too-thickness is properly communicated in that photo, but it is like, 3/4s of an inch. If there's anything I've learned in my 27 years on this Earth, it's that some things are too thick to want in your mouth. This pizza, for instance. And it's made of such crummy ingredients (future-pun intended, I guess), that when you bite into it the dough instantly dissolves in your mouth in this terribly unpleasant fashion. What a waste! A waste of my time, a waste of food ingredients! Pizza like this is what's ruining America. Well, pizza like this and Walmart, and the Religious Right, and the Prison Industrial Complex, and the Military Industrial Complex. Fuck it, America was ruined from the get go, but at least New York has been pretty cool since day one, and this pizza is ruining New York.
Step 1: New York City secedes from America.
Step 2: We kick out all the yuppies!
Step 3: Only good pizza.
Step 4: Kindly Wizard-King
Step 5: Crimethinc Utopia.

Rating:


- $2.18
552 8th Avenue (37th & 38th)
New York, NY 10018


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Speaking of Crimthinc, I'd like to post about some graffiti!

Even though I'm a Guy On The Internet, inasmuch as a do a moderately popular blog, I am not an Internet Guy in that I don't know about most other stuff on the internet until later. So today was the first time I checked out , which I will probably continue to look at in the future, because it's pretty cool. Anyway, a friend of mine whose name I will not disclose mentioned to me that a piece of graffiti he had written was photographed on New York Shitty, so I went digging deep into the recesses until I found it:


What a beautiful work of art! If any readers see any pizza graffiti or pizza tattoos, please photograph them and either email them to me or . I want to start a compendium of all pizza graffiti and tattoos.

And then speaking of graffiti, this is not about pizza, but it is my favorite tag I've ever seen and it got buffed recently. Gaberock took this photo, he is a champion of a man.


R.I.P. Chico Is A Virgin. Maybe our man finally got laid!

Monday, February 15, 2010

La Crosta: "'Gourmet Pizza' huh?"


Initially I was a little skeptical when I saw the phrase "gourmet pizzeria" on the awning of , but it was quickly clear that it was an empty platitude. There was a certain banality about this pizzeria, and a destitute resignation in it's employees, that made me think of Samuel Beckett. My friend Andy, who's new zine Folk is probably available from by now, wrote an essay not too long ago .

Now if there's one thing I learned from college, it's that a smart person can write a persuasive sounding academic critique about ANYTHING and make it sound good with the inclusion of a few out of context passages from Baudrillard or Lacan. Andy compares pizza to pornography in a way that I found somewhat offensive, but also totally clever and entertaining.
The definition of pornography can be extended to encompass any object with which its user engages into a type of experience that is qualitatively less fulfilling than the experience it is aimed towards. This leads us to question what is the experience we are deferring in food when we consume something with no lasting gratification, and what kind of meal do we really hunger for? With fast food we lose the ritual of “Setting the table” as a group. Everything packaged and ready to eat, utensils included, there is no room for anything new between those that eat together. The problem is not just that the meal is reduced largely to utility, but the meaning packaged with it is similary cheapened. Pornography and fast food both remain chiefly instrumental, but in attempting to replace the experience of a communal meal or sexual communion with another person, the tacked on meaning has come to define our approach to that which it is used as a desperate replacement. At a point, the desire for a pizza experience supercedes that of the desire for actual food. When we impact this sad fact back to sex it demonstrates how a culture may be simultaneously well-fed and starving.
While I can sort of agree with the thesis here, that reducing food to utility removes agency and community orientation from people's lives, I have a fairly different relationship with both pizza and pornography than Andy does. I won't get too deep into my Personal Habits, as my mother reads this blog and other readers got up in arms a few months ago when I talked about taking a dump, but I will say that though it is not often, when I utilize pornography as a tool for helping me jerk my dick off, it is usually qualitatively pretty rad! Videos of people fucking each other and enjoying it are kind of cool sometimes!

And I really disagree that pizza is a food that removes the communal aspect of sharing a meal with other folks. If anything, the is one of the most festive and community oriented activities! Claiming that a food that's divided into easy to share segments for the express purpose of sharing with others contributes to alienation or detracts from a sense of community is ridiculous! Pizza builds community. Remember the words of the late Howard Zinn, "the road to a better tomorrow is paved with pizza."


All this stuff aside, though, the pizza at La Crosta was so unrelentingly mediocre and boring that I feel like I've gained some insight into where poor Andy may have been coming from. I don't recall having ever eaten pizza with the fellow, and maybe, just maybe, all the pizza he eats is as bad as the pizza at La Crosta. If that's the case I can see where he's coming from and I'll have to take him to pronto. And then we should probably stop by and get him some decent porn!

La Crosta - $2.50
436 East 72nd Street
New York, NY 10021

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So, the zine is done, the release party happened and was amazing and I'm starting to get it into some stores. Slice Harvester zines are currently available at: , , , and . I will update this list as the days go by and more places start carrying it. I think this week or some time next week I'm gonna drop by a few places in Manhattan. If anyone has suggestions on stores that sell zines, let me know in the comments.

My friend Jacob Berendes emailed me a while ago to share an old G.I. Joe Yearbook comic he scanned in which .

Finally, in pizza ephemera news, the new-ish Jay Electronica single, "Exhibit C" that has been all over Hot 97 lately begins with this fantastic triplet: "When I was sleeping on the train / Sleeping on Meserole Ave out in the rain / Without even a single slice of pizza to my name." And the Just Blaze beat samples !

Sunday, January 31, 2010

What's in this post?! What's in this post?! What's in this post?! FIL-LER!

I had to leave my apartment suddenly for a few days to attend to an emergency situation of the Majorly Shitty kind and I left my pizza journal at home, so there will be no updates until Tuesday or Wednesday. However, in the meantime, please enjoy these pizza-related film clips:









Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Piazza Pizza: "There is probably some charming pun about baseball that I could make if I knew anything about sports."


is a totally weird squares-only zone, although I think that has more to do with the neighborhood than anything else. They also have the tiniest, most claustrophobic bathroom I've ever been in. It is like, the size of a toilet, plus exactly enough room for a man to stand, then a sink. It was so cramped in there in there I like, could not get comfortable, although at least I was afforded a decent amount of privacy. I'll put it like this, if you and your partner are into the Bathroom Bone Zone, there is no way the two of you would fit in there at the same time.


This is a totally decent slice. If I had eaten it right after , I might be raving about it, but since I had in between, I have a slightly more realistic perspective. The ingredients were of totally acceptable quality. The sauce was a touch on the sweet side, but not in a total gag-fest way, just not my style. The ratios were spot on and the dough was PHENOMENAL. They got that part totally A+ right. However, there was really no depth of flavor for this guy. Like, the slice was not bad but it was uninteresting and kind of dull. If I was out to EAT PIZZA, I would skip Piazza for Arturo's around the corner, but if I was hungry and passing by, I would certainly go in for a slice. This pizza is 100% not bad.

Piazza - $2.55
1657 2nd Ave
New York, NY 10028

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In notapizza news, I was recently made aware of a blog post titled "14 Pizzas Worth Dying For." I was going to link to it, but I just looked at the blog it's on, which said, "Need to waste some time? Spend a few minutes reading some of our viral content. That's right, if you read our articles, chances are you will be passing it on to friends!" Fuck that kind of smugness. Between that description and this person's taste in pizza, I am now 100% certain that whoever is involved with this blog is a total boneroni and needs to get run through a cycle in the douchewasher. I am seriously so pissed.

Anyway, much as I don't want to help spread this blog's purported "viral content," they are doing a somewhat decent job, I guess, since their post on "14 Pizza Worth Dying For" didn't feature a single actual pizza and made me fucking furiously angry. Here are some pictures of these abominations:

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mama's Pizzeria: "It's like I'm at my mom's house-the toilet paper is softer than at my apartment and there's some old lady yelling the whole time."

I went pizza eating this past week with my friends Caroline Paquita and Mikey Hotsauce. Caroline is my nutritionist, herbalist and general medical practitioner, so the irony of her joining me to eat a gratuitous amount of pizza is as thick and sumptuous as the cheese on a slice from . (Mike is a totally rad pal who has no personal investment in my health beyond the universal desire that one's friends not be sickly, so the irony of his accompanying us is non-existent, like my book deal.) Caroline and Mike have some things in common besides being friends with me (and they were friends with each other first, anyway). For one thing, they both make cool art. For another, they are both Master Bassers and play in bands I'm fond of. And finally, they're both from Florida. And you know what I realized, when we all stepped out of the subway at 110th into the pouring rain? Every time I've been pizza eating with people from Florida I've gotten rained on. What is it with that godforsaken hellhole of a state?! Don't think you can just bring your bad vibes up here and piss all over my pretty sweet life in New York City. There's a reason I never moved to Florida: it sucks there.


Well, anyway, the first place we went to was on Amsterdam. This is the second time I've been here, having forgotten to write about it the first time around. But I just got an email from Jordan, who you may remember from previous entries, asking me about Mama's because he remembered liking it and noticed I hadn't written about it. I had left it out for organizational reasons, but really, my book-keeping is a pretty boring subject. On to the slice!


Looking over my notes, both times I went here I had the same criticisms. The slice is slightly underdone and vaguely too sweet. However! If the slice had been cooked a little more, the flavors from the cheese might've come out a little more strongly to counteract the whack sweetness in the sauce, and there would've been a bunch more grease, which is always a plus. And aside from the sweetness, which is not saccharine and nasty but somewhat more Natural Tasting, the sauce had a really great texture, in that there were sporadic tomato chunks, and it maintained the understated presence that I prefer in a pizza sauce. The cheese was great, and the dough was good, if a bit too soft (another easily remedied problem). In other word, the ratios on this slice were totally perfect. And the crust, it was so good! Really, when I go back here I'll ask for my slice to be hotter, but otherwise it was great.

Mama's Pizzeria
941 Amsterdam Ave
New York, NY 10025

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Even though Florida totally sucks to be in, a lot of cool things come out of there. Many of my favorite people were born or raised in Florida. And a lot of good musicians have come from the Sunshine State, like or . But as the Oracle at Delphi famously told Moses, "somewhere betwixt a Traveling Wilbury and T-double-D, lies an aural force that will leave the fabric of one's very soul cleft in twain." For years, rabbinical and clerical scholars have been trying to determine the meaning of the Oracle's perplexing words, and tonight I will reveal it to you: "there is this 7" by the Y that will blow your mind."

click the image for a download link.

Mikey and Caroline brought this 7" over to my house the other morning and were all, "Colin, you need to hear this song!" And proceeded to play me the record's second track, "Pyzza Tyme!"


As you can see, this band is very pizza oriented. Pyzza Tyme is a song about working hard and living large, about seeing something you want, grabbing it, and holding on with everything you've got. Pyzza Tyme is about everything that makes our great nation beautiful. In an ideal world, the United States of America would be run by a wizard, the national bird would be a fucking Griffin, and Pyzza Tyme would be our national anthem. There would be no war in this beautiful world. Disputes would be settled via dance contest and everybody's needs would be met by the kindly wizard. But woe unto he who crosses the wizard's path! It is said that the first man who dared to F with the W, if you will, was turned into a gigantic pizza, and thrown into the sky. It is said that for cheese this pizza has fire, for sauce molten lava, but it lacks a solid dough and is thus incomplete. This sky-pizza is our Sun. The first woman who messed with the Wiz was also turned into a pizza, and she too was cast into the sky. But this second pizza was a pizza of brilliant, glowing stone, crunchy and delicious, yet totally lacking sauce or cheese-this is the origin of our Moon. During the eclipse, it is said the stone crust of the Moon combines with the molten sauce and firey cheese of the Sun for a delectable cosmic tryst, forming the most perfect pie. For in life, before their transformations, this man and woman had been married, and in their dreadful afterlife, they yearn constantly for one and other, but can only meet 2-5 times per year. Their love is true and their marriage was a beautiful feast. The Great Pizzaola herself descended from the clouds and blessed them. I should know, I was at their wedding and drank mead. It ran down my mustache, but none went into my mouth.

Rubik's Dude is also the raddest song. (Lyrics: Freakin' out squares tonight! All you gotta do is do something totally weird and then they'll freak out! Cause dude, they're squares!") What I uploaded is not the 7", which I don't have the capacity to do, but the CDR, which means you get some bonus tracks. If you really like this shit as much as I do, you can still order the 7" off , so do that by . It's $2.60 for crying out loud. Support independent music and good record labels and blah blah blah. Unity and shit!

Speaking of marriage, I'd like to extend a loud and resounding Mazel Tov to Ellis and Lilie. May your marriage be as strong as the crust at Koronet, as interesting and engrossing as the sauce at Patsy's, and as HOT as the cheese on a slice fresh out of the oven, you know? Aah-cha-cha-cha.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Washington Heights Mediocre Slice Redux

- $2.50
If my grandma were alive to read what I'm about to say she'd plotz, but I don't think Jews can make good pizza, although, granted, this is the first Kosher slice I've had yet. I read somewhere that Kosher pizza will never be good because the Kosher cheese doesn't have the same fat content and the tomatoes aren't good. At least we invented .

My review of this slice will be one sentence long but will sum up everything: it tastes like burnt Elio's.

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- $2.00
The crust looks amazing and this slice has great ratios. Otherwise, forget it because the sauce is waaay too sweet, the dough is so dry I felt like a guy in a cowboy movie stuck in the desert for a week with a mouth full of sand, and the crust, though excellently textured, was a major Flavor Vacuum. Worse than not tasting like anything, it tasted like less than nothing. Like a black hole. Kevin said this slice tasted like "diet pizza."


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- $2.00
Undercooked slice with too much cheese. The dough was rubbery and dense. Kevin pointed out that it was the same texture as the cheese. Blegh.


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- $2.00
I almost want to go back here because the guy behind the counter was such a sweetheart. The slice here was the best of this bunch, which isn't saying much. The dough was incredible. Totally perfect. Biting into the crust was like biting into a soft pretzel or a bagel. However, the cheese looked like it had been sitting out all day, which tastes crappy, and tells me they're not really moving slices. To top it off there was like, no sauce on the damn thing. If I lived in this neighborhood I would try this place again a couple more times. It seems like they could've just been having a bad day.



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My kid sister just emailed me this excerpt from :
When I was a boy I used to love pizza, and whenever my father took me to the pizzeria I'd order two slices. And I'd sit and he'd watch me wolfing down the first slice with my eyes on the second. I wasn't even tasting that first slice. And one day my father said to me, 'Son, you need to learn that while you're eating the first slice of pizza, eat the first slice of pizza. Because right now you're eating the second slice before you've finished the first.'

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Pizza Pictures.

I got two comments today asking me to post more frequently. Well, I'm just starting and trying to get a decent flow going, or whatever. I'm not going to be able to get out and eat any more pizza until Sunday, but starting Sunday there'll be a post every day. In the meantime, to tide you over, here are some pizza related pictures I've stumbled across.

First, this is one of my favorite tags that I see around bar bathrooms:


I have a feeling I know who does it, but I don't want to make any assumptions (or blow up any spots on the internet). Either way, it's way good.

Next up is a picture my father emailed me:


"Notice the perfect outline of grease in the shape of a slice in front of the pizza?... Someone dropped the goods." Excellent work, Pops. And if anyone else has any good pizza related reporting to do, feel free to email me: SliceHarvester@gmail.com

Now I'm gonna get back to listening to .
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